Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
