He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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