Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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