Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My vagina is officially offended.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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