u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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