you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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