my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
