we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
