its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
