A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
