She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
