someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
