i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize