Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dear god my vagina.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize