we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize