If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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