I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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