i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
