the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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