I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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