so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
