he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
