The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
