The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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