3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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