she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
