I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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