Cold hands, warm shart.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
