She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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