I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I have aggressive nipples.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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