dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
