Do you still have your period?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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