you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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