she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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