So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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