just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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