if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
