All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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