I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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