I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
