I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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