My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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