I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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