Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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