I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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