Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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