I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Found your dick twin last night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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