Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize