I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
