I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
