She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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