My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
