Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
