I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
