Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
