4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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